Wish you were there

The entire family made it for the first of the Twining baptisms.  Just like everybody got together for the 1st of the baby blessings.  One a year for 6 years.  We didn't all make the last few, but we started out pretty good.  Hopefully we can figure out how to make it to all of the baptisms.  It was the second time that everybody has gotten together without you.  Kyler's baptism was wonderful, the room was full to capacity.  The courageous KB III invited his entire class at school to come to his baptism.  He invited neighbors, family members, everybody.  He certainly is a better missionary at age 8 than I was.  I wish I could say it is my great missionary influence upon him, but I'm sure you're helping him be bold in sharing his testimony.

I know you were there, rejoicing as your first grandchild entered into the kingdom of God.  Mom spoke and testified strongly that you were one of the angels in heaven shouting praises on this special occasion.  Kyler managed to get completely submerged on only the first try.  I was almost disappointed for him; I remember how excited I was that I got to go under twice!  :)  

We had three cakes for Kyler since so many people came.  I missed seeing an odd piece being cut out of the middle of one.  I almost cut a piece out of the middle for you.  Almost.   

We do many things in memory of you.  We've told our kids a burp after a meal means "my compliments to the chef."  We will get 'dog nuts' and enjoy your favorite breakfast.  I even got Arby's to enjoy with Kyler on my day off of work when Kyler still had to go to school.  I told Kyler that you would be jealous that we got to have Arby's.  ;)  We bought M.R. Ducks t-shirts for everybody in the family and wear them often.  We even bought some M.R. Ducks shirts for my in-laws for Christmas.  I talked to my stake president about getting tickets to the Priesthood session of General Conference.  Boys are allowed to go to the Priesthood session at age 8, even though they don't hold the Priesthood.  I always enjoyed going to the pie and ice cream before the Priesthood session of conference with you. 

A couple of weeks ago Melani and I had the privilege to go to Kelson Wheeler's wedding.  I know you were there because your sister wasn't able to make it.  The sealer without any prompting from me or anybody else mentioned how our ancestors who have lived before us are interested still in our lives and our doings.  He spoke on how relatives of Kelson and his bride, Melissa, were present and interested in this joyful day.  Kelson told me as we left the sealing room that he felt "Uncle Kenny" there on that day.  I always feel close to you when I go to the temple.  I am so glad for the example you set of the importance of the temple.  You did not necessarily go every month, or even that often, when we were kids, but we knew the temple was a sacred and important place.  We all remembered the special experience when we were sealed as a family and we all knew it was a place we wanted to continue to go.

Thanks for keeping us in mind and keeping an eye on us.  We still need your wisdom and guidance.  We love you and miss you.

6 months

I miss hearing you answer the phone and say "Boo." I can picture you sitting at your desk, putting me on speaker, and saying something funny when I ask for Mom. Remember how girls would call for Kurt and you'd say, "Let me go scrape him off the ceiling." I have no idea what that meant, but it was hilarious!!!

I miss you calling me Snook Pie. No one else on this planet ever called me that, and no one else was allowed to. It was special between you and me.

I've been doing the Jumble a lot lately. The Jumble always reminds me of you. You'd sit in your recliner, and I'd curl up next to you and we'd do it together. Of course before too long I got really good at it, and I don't think you liked doing them with me any more :-)  No, I'm sure that's not true. I was your little girl. I bet you always liked doing everything with me. This week I did a Jumble and it reeeeally made me think of you. The silly riddle was that, "The cyclops monster movie was playing at the....'EYE-MAX THEATER!'"  YES!!! Dad would have LOVED that one, I said to myself. I look up at the ceiling and laughed. I hope you saw me and were laughing, too.

I wonder which Superbowl commercials you would have liked.

I have some Arby's coupons and I want to go get roast-beast.

I want to tell you about my divorce and my sadness and my hurt. I want you to cry with me. You're such a wonderful man and I love you so much. Thank you for loving our mother.

I'm reading Jesus the Christ and I want to talk to you about it.

Every so often I hear classic rock songs on the radio that I know you liked, like Toad the Wet Sprocket or J. Geils Band or Bachmann Turner Overdrive. Stuff they'd play on 93.5 The Beach. I can hear your voice say the words. I can see your expression. I miss your grin.

It's been 6 months since you were called back to God. I am grateful for every day I have on this planet, I truly am, but goodness gracious, I really really miss you.

Always remembering

This is going be a little jumpy, but I don't have to time to consolidate my thoughts in a cohesive manner. Just enjoy the ride ;)

I don't think there is a day that goes by where I don't think of Dad. There are so many instances in my life that cause me to think about things Dad taught me, things I did with him, and the last day I saw him.

Every time I look at my hands and see them calloused and dirty, I think of his ever-working hands, constantly rugged from his day to day job. I look at my hands and see scars that I gained after many years of working with him and each one holds a memory.

Stake Conference was a few weekends ago and one speaker starting talking about his father and a life lesson he learned from him. I immediately could only think of the hundreds of lessons my father taught me over the years. Even if I was angry with how Dad responded to something I did or the way I was acting, he was constantly looking out for my well being and future.

When I got my wisdom teeth out, I had to be knocked out completely because they were impacted. I was doped up on drugs for many days after, only eating pudding and liquids. Even after just a couple of days of rest, Dad began asking me when I would go back to work. Dad, I explained, I'm still on meds. I'm tired and recovering. Why should I go to work when I should be resting? I will never forget his response. "If you act like you're feeling better, you'll feel better. Lying around the house won't help you as much as getting out and working." Even though I did not want to hear that it was a lesson that has stayed with me ever since.

Today is Christmas. I think back to growing up and how much I loved having Christmas as a family, eating breakfast together (Dad's AMAZING french toast) and driving around looking at Christmas lights while listening to Mannheim Steamroller. I'm spending Christmas with my in-laws in a northern GA timeshare. Today we went for a little hike and found a decent waterfall. I thought about how much dad loved going to Swallow Falls in Western MD. I can't even count how many summers we went to that campground, and we would always love looking at the falls there. I'm sure he would have liked these, even if it wasn't the same as Swallow Falls.

As a Christmas present to the readers, here are the voice mail recordings from home and his work line. Angela got them and I'm hosting them on a website that I manage.



KB Electric Voicemail



Home Voicemail

Reese's

Thinking of you today, Dad. 

today's letter to dad

Hey Dad, I saw this and I thought you'd get a huge kick out of it. I don't even usually like Pearls Before Swine.

Also, I had this whole thing with my credit card this week, where someone stole my number and charged $1,000+ at a local store, but Capital One contacted me and canceled my card and everything is well. It's the card you helped me pick out when you came to Seattle when Laurel was born, remember? It has the tulips on it? I really wanted to call you and tell you the whole story, to hear what you had to say about it. You know everything there is to know about credit cards and stuff.

Plus it's been getting really dark lately, and all those lights you put in for me in June are really coming in handy. Gosh I love them. I'm so grateful for you. I'm so so so glad you came to see me in June.

I miss you so much.

Love you, Dad,
Angela

realms unknown

I think about Dad a lot. I can't remember our last conversation, our last words. I don't know if I told him I loved him. I know he knew, but still. It's hard to have him go so suddenly.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at how hard this still is. It's been a few months... two months almost exactly. I am back in my real life but it doesn't feel real. Sometimes I just think about Dad and I'm overcome with emotion. I'll start to cry. Sometimes I'm in the car and Wesley pipes up from the backseat and says, "Mommy, are you sad Grandpa died?" It's like he knows! I guess I should be grateful that means I'm not usually sad, and if I cry it's for a dang good reason!

The part I struggle with, maybe the most, is that dying is so personal, so individual. People dying from cancer can be dying in a hospital bed, surrounded by family holding their hands. Dad didn't have that same experience. He was on his own, fighting this crazy thing happening inside his body and not being sure what was going on. I know Mom and Brad were there physically, but I imagine he was so out of sorts he didn't register that they were there supporting him. I just picture him in the back of the minivan, trying to breathe, weighing the situation.

I just keep thinking about how SCARED he must have been. Was he scared? Death was staring him in the face. I guess even the cancer patient lying in bed or the elderly person nearing the end can also feel SCARED, but I wonder what it was like for Dad. I find it funny thinking to myself that I just wish I could have been there. Maybe that would be more closure for me? Or maybe I hate that he had to go through it first. He had to pave the way. Out of our tight knit family of five, he is the only one who has experienced this.

Maybe he wasn't scared of death; I know he knew the gospel was true. Maybe instead he was scared of his body failing, or of leaving Mom behind, or of considering projects unfinished. But no matter what, he faced this thing of trepidation on his own and it happened, regardless of his fear or his readiness or his intentions.

I know his soul lives on, and I know it's all OK, and I know we're sealed forever.... but the unknown is still so scary. I suppose I haven't conquered my fear yet. I miss you Dad.

my dream

I had a dream with Dad in it not long after I got back from Maryland. I think about it a lot.

With my calling (in real life), I am in charge of the Child of Record baptisms. In my dream, it was Child of Record baptisms, and I was getting baptized -- although I'm an adult and everything. I remember in my dream coming into the church and being annoyed about the baptism since it was combined with other people and they had chosen all of the hymns and speakers, and the whole thing was not the way I would have wanted it. 

At some point I needed to go get something, like maybe the programs?, and I was walking up some stairs to a "loft" at the Church. It's not like churches have lofts, but I guess this one did... it was all white and silver, with a glass balcony overlooking whatever was below, although I didn't see what was down there. 

As I was walking up the stairs to the loft, the thought struck me that someone needed to baptize me, and my father was dead so he couldn't do it. Who would baptize me? I was stressed for a time until I headed back down the stairs and I looked up, and Dad was there. I feel like maybe Kurt was there, too, standing to Dad's right and hugging his shoulder, looking at me as if to say, "Look! it's Dad!" 

(where's my one of these, HUH? ;-)

Dad was dressed all in white. He looked the same really, and he just looked at me with his piercing blue eyes and smiled, this wonderful peaceful smile. There was a feeling of relief that someone was going to be able to baptize me, and how wonderful it could be my dad. 

I just looked in his eyes and was happy, then I woke up.

Dad was there, in my dream, in all white, serving in a spiritual capacity.

I think about this a lot. The memory is very fresh and very real, even though it happened a few weeks ago. Was it Dad? Did he appear to me? Was it just a dream? I guess I have no way of really knowing. I do know, I confess, that I've prayed to Heavenly Father that Dad can visit me again in other dreams. It was nice to feel his presence, even if it was just in a dreamland.

I'm so glad I gave him lots of big hugs when he was here in Seattle. I'm so glad he knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me.